The idea of scheduling and hosting a playdate may seem straightforward, but it can be more complicated than you think. The combination of personality types, different family and household cultures or rules, and how the playdate is structured can make or break a child’s experience.
The team at PANW has fielded plenty of playdate-gone-well and playdate-gone-south stories over the years, so we’ve learned a thing or two about what it takes to set up playdates – and their attendees – for success.
PANW’s Tried & True Tips For Playdates That Leave Kids Wanting More
Playdates are all about cultivating healthy social relationships, so it’s no surprise that honest, transparent communication (and emotional regulation) are essential to creating engaging playtime sessions for your children and their friends.
Parent-to-Parent & Parent-to-Child Communication is Essential
In this case, healthy communication encompasses a range of territories and plays a role in virtually every successful playdate tip we share below.
1. Set a specific time boundary for the date
Clear start and stop times are best for everyone involved. It’s far better for children to leave wishing the playdate was longer than it is for overstimulated or overtired children to be melting down before the playdate is over.
Note for First-Timers: When you have your first playdate, keep the time slots shorter than those listed below. You’re testing the waters with new friends, and you can always increase the duration next time around.
These time boundary recommendations are based on age, but don’t forget that parents are people, too! If you’re an introvert, not used to being a primary parent to other people’s kids, or are having an unusually busy life flow, err on the shorter side to prevent overwhelming yourself.
- Toddlers (1 – 3). One hour is plenty for this age group. If the kids are very familiar with each other and play well, you can always add more time to future dates.
- Kids (4 – 8). The first time around, we still recommend limiting playdates to one hour. This is plenty of time to tour a house, play with some toys or a game, or do a craft together. Eventually, this can stretch to 90 minutes or 2 hours.
- Children (9 – 11). One hour is the magic number for first-time playdates, even with older children. In most cases, “new playdate friends” have had relatively short time blocks to interact during their school day. So, a full hour is quite long without a classroom or playground structure. However, this age group can happily play together for two or more hours once they establish a balanced bond.
For older children, the non-attending parents/caregivers should be “on call” in case the playdate needs to be ended sooner rather than later.
2. Be clear about who will be there and the level of supervision
If you aren’t staying at the playdate after dropping off your child, it’s always important to be clear about who will supervise the children and what level of supervision will be provided. While toddlers should be supervised the entire time, older children are typically fine to play in a room without constant attention (but with an adult parent/caregiver on hand). That said, parents/caregivers should be in the immediate vicinity, checking in every 10 to 15 minutes, and keeping their ears open for any red flags (extended quiet or distress sounds).
Make sure the other child’s parents are informed about how you supervise. They may want you more involved than you plan to be, in which case it’s best to honor their feelings until everyone is more comfortable with one another.
3. What’s important to know about the other child(ren)?
It’s always good to ask parents what you should know about their child (or let them know what they should know about yours).
- Are there food sensitivities, aversions, or food restrictions? Kids aren’t always reliable sources on this front.
- Pet allergies or fears (it’s easy to forget that others are dog/cat/bird sensitive when you have pets!).
- Is your child (or theirs) neurodivergent? If so, what does that mean for scaffolding playdate success?
- Are they allowed to be on tech? We advocate for tech-free playdates (more on that below). However, parents span the gamut on what they allow/restrict for their children, so it’s best for everyone to be on the same page ahead of time.
- Do they have a hard time sharing? Taking turns? Following directions?
- What soothes the child when they get upset?
Depending on the answers, you may find that a park or another neutral community space is a better fit for the playdate than your home.
4. Keep it to two kids (no more than four).
We all know the saying, “two’s company; three’s a crowd,” and there’s nothing like a playdate to demonstrate that wisdom in real time. Until you know how a group of children interacts together, playdates are best kept as a two-some, allowing special time with individual friends they wish they had more time with.
Notes on siblings. Siblings can really complicate things, especially if there’s sibling rivalry, jealousy, or an unexpected alliance forms between the sibling and the guest. In most cases, it’s best to keep siblings otherwise occupied and keep the playdate exclusive to the host child and their friend.
5. Be clear with the rules (and expectations)
Laying out simple group rules at the outset of the playdate sets expectations and also lets the children know that you plan to hold them to the agreements.
Let the children help you suggest age-appropriate rules that make sense, like:
- Friends share toys (and we can set a timer if that helps).
- There’s no throwing of sand, toys, etc., at each other.
- We pick up toys and games when we’re done, or we can spend the last 15 minutes of the playdate doing “clean up time” all together.
- Friends keep their hands and bodies to themselves during playdates.
- We don’t use electronics or gadgets during our playdates.
- And so on.
6. Put away the precious toys
It’s absolutely okay if your child has certain toys or objects they don’t want to share with friends. This is normal. However, if that’s the case, it’s best to discuss it ahead of time and then put off-limits toys away in an upper-closet or somewhere they won’t cause an issue during the playdate.
7. Talk about playdate activity ideas (or make a plan) ahead of time
Odds are, anyone your child wants to have over for a playdate was met at school, on a playing field, or via an extracurricular activity. That means they’re used to some form of structure or routine in their interactions. Without some sort of a playdate plan in place, your “Hey, kids, go play and have fun!” can be confusing and overwhelming. Young children don’t necessarily know what to do – where to do it – or how to do it, and that can be a recipe for heightened social anxiety and frustration.
This doesn’t mean you have to create a minute-by-minute itinerary. However, it’s a good idea for you and your child to talk about what might be fun to do and have a loose plan in place to guide their time together if they seem at a loss.
8. Review what it means to be a good host/hostess before their friend arrives
For older children, talk about what it means to be a good playdate host/hostess before their friend arrives. For example:
- Showing their friend where to put their coat/shoes when they come in, where the bathroom is, or where they can get a drink of water if they need one.
- Letting the friend call the shots on activities/games/play ideas, since they may not have access to the same fun things in their home.
- Requesting your support or help if someone seems angry or hurt and it can’t be worked out between the two of them.
- Asking their friend if there’s anything else they need to feel comfortable in their home or during the playdate.
9. Give plenty of warning before the playdate ends (or for transitions)
Some children need more transition time than others. This is something that teachers build into their classroom management strategies, and that non-teaching adults often forget to honor. It’s always good to provide plenty of warning for transitions, especially as you near the end of the playdate.
For example:
- Give a 5-minute warning before each activity change (if relevant).
- Provide a 5 to 10-minute warning when it’s almost time for a snack or lunch.
- Allow a 15-minute warning when the playdate is almost over, and then another five-minute warning before the time is up.
This doesn’t mean you won’t get pushback or strong reactions (depending on the child and their age), but it can definitely help to minimize the disappointed fallout.
Have a Concern About An Upcoming Playdate or Existing Playdate Issues?
With clear communication and expectations put in place, most playdates go just fine. They are the beginning of fostering healthy social interactions and high-quality friendships for your child. Over time, they can also foster robust parent-to-parent connections, too!
However, we also understand that hosting successful playdates can be a learning curve, particularly for first-time parents/caregivers or if you have a child with special needs. Don’t be afraid to touch base with your PANW pediatrician if you have a question or have noticed an existing playdate issue. We’re always ready and willing to help you navigate these and foster positive paths forward.
